July 24, 2012
It’s been over…
It’s been over a year since I last posted anything here and I’m not really surprised by that. This year has been eventful, hectic, awesome, full of transitions and emotions. Sometimes I wish I had kept up with this blog over the year just so I could easily pinpoint what happened and when, but I have a journal (yes, with pen and paper) that allows me to do that … well sort of. My journal is a prayer journal, so reading through it has let me see where I’ve grown this past year and what I still need to work on. And I get a general feel for what was happening. But events and specific daily ongoings? Nah, I don’t have a journal for that, and to be honest, I don’t know if I want one. It seems petty and very self-centered. This is not to say that if you have a journal that records the happenings of everyday that you are self-centered. I am saying that for myself, I do not need to keep such a journal because I already focus too much on myself and what I’m thinking/feeling.
So why am I writing now? What has happened that has made me feel like expressing myself in a somewhat public manner? Quite simply: this chapter of life that I love and am quite comfortable with is ending. Transitions and change have always been a great challenge to me and I am disappointed that this time is ending in the way it is; with uncertainty and a feeling of failure.
Uncertainty has always been the hardest part of transitions. I like to have a plan; to know what is happening; what will happen; what to expect. I have not had any of that, and it has made these last three months seem quite long. Uncertainty brings to light the fear I live in. Uncertainty causes me to live in apathy so as to not act out of fear.
This period is ending in a way which I thought possible, but improbable: without a job and moving back into my parents house. This is the epitome of failure in my mind. But is it? No, it is not; yet, I feel as though it is. I feel as though I am tucking tail and running away. Again, I am not, but I feel as though I am.
This is probably the biggest struggle in my life, and probably will be for the rest of my life: reality v. perceptions or feelings v. truth.
I ask your prayer in this time of continuing uncertainty and transition because I know that I have done what I can and can do nothing more; that God is sovereign and His timing is perfect. Pray that I can distinguish what I am feeling and why and that I will be able to recognize the truth and speak it into my life before I can act out of fear or give into apathy.
Living in Grace 